40 points of me

1. My uncle once: took his pants off at christmas.

2. Never in my life: have I had the urge to fold laundry.

3. When I was five: I should have paid more attention to PBS.

4. High School was: a series of misguided and unfortunate events that added up to very little.  

5. I will never forget: the phone number of my childhood home, the way my first boyfriend asked me if he could kiss me, or the smell of my grandmothers purse.

6. I once met: and had dinner with your mom.  She’s not pleased with your attitude.

7. There’s this girl I know who: would prank call people and just yell out “DID YOU GET THAT SHIRT AT J.J. GIVEAWAY??”……okay so that was actually me.

8. Once, at a bar: very recently, I was present while a woman totally emasculated her husband without ever telling me her first name.  I suppose I just have the kind of face that makes strangers feel comfortable confessing the shortcomings of their sexual partners.

9. By noon, I’m usually: on my 3rd diet coke, 4th snack, 5th text and 325th complaint.

10. Last night: I got OCD with a bucket of bleach water and yelled at my husband for walking on the wet kitchen floors after I asked him to get me a diet coke.  After all, hovering to the fridge is much more efficient.  Logic is not required for marriage.  Certainly desired but not required.

11. If only I had: the digestive system of a younger woman.

12. Next time I go to church: I’ll try not to fluffy in the pew.

13. Terry Schiavo: should have got it in writing (I’m not sure if this blog would make it legally binding but please feel free to pull my plug).

14. What worries me most: is that I’ll never achieve my dream of becoming the next big thing on YouTube

15. When I turn my head left, I see: clearly

16. When I turn my head right, I see: almost nothing

17.  You know I’m lying when: I say the words “trust me I know what I’m talking about…I practically majored in this in highschool”

18. What I miss most about the eighties: is strollers and liquid dinner.

19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: a horrible conversationalist.

20. By this time next year: I could be an astro-physicist.  I’m a strong believer that anything is possible.

21. A better name for me would be: ‘SilentAssasin’…you should see my mad Halo skillz.  Noobs.  

22. I have a hard time understanding: pig latin.  Don’t use that as an excuse to try and evade me.  

23. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: probably be divorced.

24. You know I like you if: I use you as a punch line.

25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: Kanye West.

26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: cool name for a pet monkey, cool name for a pet musician, the selection of people I would consider truly impressive, and which lobbyist did she pay to get into this survey?

27. Take my advice, never: tell someone you are bilingual when you aren’t.  9 times out of 10 they’ll ask you to prove it.

28. My ideal breakfast is: continental.

29. A song I love, but do not own is:  the theme song to Cheers.  I seriously do just want to go where everybody knows my name.  I’m totally narcissistic and I love that sort of thing.

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: a haz-mat suit

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips, & track stars: the dutch, naivety, floppy disks and an easy way to letter in highschool.

32. Why won’t people: just recognize my brilliance?

33. If you spend the night at my house: please don’t forget the dessert.  Oh and you might want to bring your own pillow as we are currently experiencing a shortage.

34. I’d stop my wedding for: an ice cream truck, as long as there was enough choco taco’s for everyone

35. The world could do without: calories from fat.

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: ever take another algebra class.

37. My favorite blonde is: Barack Obama.  That is, if he dye’d his hair.  As a brunette I’m just okay with him.

38: Paper clips are more useful than: staple removers but less useful than staples.  

39. If I do anything well, it’s: making it somehow your fault.

40. And by the way: no, I will not make out with you.