Confessions
11.04.09 – What is it about screaming babies in restaurants that give me the uncontrollable desire to say things like “Excuse me ma’am. Yes your howling monkey just ruined my life. That may seem exaggerated but I’d really appreciate it if you could please take a moment to recognize the insane number of people in this room who currently despise an innocent child because of your lack of action in putting a stop to that shrill and un-human sound coming from what I can only assume is your child. You are awesome. Here is a coupon for Pizza Hut. Please, by all means…order in next time.”
9.24.09 – No amount of sarcasm in the world can cover up the embarrassment of being overconfident in a silent toot that goes rogue.
8.26.09 – I hate Charter so much it’s beginning to make me hate the internet. It’s like when you hear about men who kind of hate their kids because they suspect they were conceived out of adultery. The internet is beginning to be those children. Charter is the adultery. If the only way for me to receive internet is through that adulterous harlot I call an internet provider…well I just don’t see how it’s worth it.
8.05.09 – Being married is sometimes having to participate in conversations like this:
Him: If you wanted to talk all you had to do was tell me
Me: I did…
Him: Yes but I wasn’t listening
6.07.09 – I’ve heard that Twilight is actually a very good book from some fairly reputable sources…but yet I still choose not to partake on account of my dignity as a non-typical woman. If I let myself delve into the Twilight pool, I will be diving headfirst into the deep end of being one of those women who reads a series of books that have more to do with romance than farts or sarcasm. No thanks.
5.04.09 – Since cutting out my customary diet soda in the morning I have been a sleepy mess. I’m seriously so exhausted I can barely hold my head up. I would lick the bottom of someone’s shoe right now if I thought there was caffeine on it. I’m gonna end up with my own reality show soon…”Laura Woods: Demise and Rise….how one woman conquered her addiction to cherry diet coke zero by yawning all the oxygen out of the earths ozone.”
3.28.09 – Is there anything on this planet more awful than going to the restroom only to notice as you unbutton your pants that your fly is already down? Convenient?….yes. Overwhelmingly embarrassing?….also yes.
3.16.09 – Is it a prerequisite that all doctors install unflattering lighting? I’m never sure which is more uncomfortable….being forced to wear paper dresses or looking as if I have the skin of a corpse.
3.6.09 – Someone in my building has exactly the same taste of music as me with NO regard for volume courtesy. The question is…do you complain or just give into the urge to dance?
3.2.09 – If enjoying the smell of gasoline is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
2.19.09 – I think I know why God created me to be superbly annoyed by the sound of other peoples annoying laughs without the desire to tell them. My guess is because I am even more annoyed by the phrase “Well if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black”.
