Realizing I didn’t post any new content for nearly an ENTIRE MONTH!!! I am redeeming myself by posting some of my favorite snippets from my personal and offline journal. By offline I mean these are some of the thoughts I don’t actually post via blog, twitter, text message, or monthly mass email e-newsletter. I do have some private thoughts. Of course, now that I’m posting them here, I suppose I don’t really. Just enjoy and don’t argue with me.
December 17, 2009
Well, we be pregnant.
Disbelief and shock are funny and tricky emotions.
December 22, 2009
Text message exchange between Chris and myself:
Chris: That new gallon of milk you just bought expires in 3 days.
Laura: It’s that pregnant brain. I didn’t think to check.
Chris: You can’t blame everything on the pregnancy.
Laura: Watch me. I’M CREATING LIFE!!!
Just as a sidenote, this is truly the best reasoning for everything. I can do no wrong and I fully plan to use it for as long as humanly possible. Which the science books dictate as about 7 months longer if everything goes according to plan. I will abuse it to its fullest for the remainder of that time.
December 28, 2009
I have never ever been so tired in my whole life. It feels reminiscent of the days when your parents finally trusted you enough to let you stay all night at a lock in. Instead of taking any kind of opportunity to sleep, you stay up all night because it just feels so dang rebellious. And rebellion does feel so good doesn’t it? I feel like the morning after that rebellious, sleepless lock in. All. The. Time.
There is no position I can put myself in that can thwart sleep. Face planted gently on the desktop keyboard. Sleep. In the bathroom stall with my head resting comfortably on the single ply toilet paper roll. Sleep. Upright, eyes open, typing this sentence. Sleep.
January 2, 2010
No one told me there was any such thing as pregnancy cramps. This is the reason I had no idea I was pregnant for so very long. I thought I was just stalled out in PMS for AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF TIME. I had no inclination those crazy wrenching pains were actually my future child kicking its self out some future leg room.
In my mind I had always envisioned a natural childbirth. Of course now I realize labor will be that pain multiplied by a hundred trillion. That 6 week old fetus just talked me into heavy intense sedating drugs without saying one word. I see a future in pharmaceutical sales in his or her future.
January 6, 2010
Today was the first doctor’s appointment. So far all is well. I’d love to say that it was a reverent and awe inspiring experience in which we both shed tears at the sound of hearing our child’s tiny heart beat for the first time. Of course the only tears that were shed were caused from hunger and incredibly nonsensical comments from my clearly uncomfortable husband. Stupid me forgot to fill Chris in on all the truly horrific processes of being examined by several technicians, doctors and nearly perfect strangers all equipped with what would seem torturous tools and personality disorders.
At one point he nervously referred to my overviewed girly parts as a “Yahweh”. I won’t say anything negative about my girly region, but I’d hardly compare it to the God of all creation. Of course he immediately realized the blasphemy of what he had just said and explained he was nervous, having never thought to come up with a name for it before. It was the first thing to escape his mouth. I’m a strong believer in the theories of Freud and I must say….I’m flattered.
However, my personal favorite comment from him came after I was explaining that a woman from my work experienced such horrible morning sickness that she was put on FMLA. His priceless reaction….”what is that some sort of special tube or something?”. I almost renewed my wedding vows with him right then and there.
Janary 12, 2010
I’ve heard the phrase “pregnancy brain” before, but until now, never believed in its true power. Complete thoughts refuse to form. I remember stupidly asking my (awesome) sister in law, after discovering she was pregnant for the second time if she “felt dumber?”. I realize now that it probably wasn’t the best way to direct my curiosity towards the most hormonal person in the room. Now that I am officially the most hormonal person in every room, I know this to be true. I hate it when people get true glimpses into my jaded, cloudy and misguided baby brain.
I’d love to go so far as to have the disclaimer “I’m giving every ounce of energy and brain power I have to the lima been in the pit of my gut” printed on the front of my clothing. I’m just afraid it would cause too many people to ask too many questions. And frankly, I just don’t have the energy for it.
And I’ve already forgotten what I was going to say next.
January 20, 2010
I hear moms talk often about feeling they must be nearly super human at all times in order to accomplish everything that must be done to have a functional and happy family. Up until today I’ve completely doubted my abilities to be super anything for any significant amount of time. Especially over the past few months as it’s become increasingly impossible for me to shower, let alone cook a meal or fold laundry. And who in his right might would expect me to? (that’s right I’m talking to you husband….don’t expect me to).
So just try to imagine my anxiety in believing that when this baby comes, it may actually become a more functional and efficient member of the family than I will. I could just envision me laying in a chubby lump on the couch while the baby walked by sighing and carrying out the trash wondering why it had been punished so cruelly as to be born into this horribly witty, yet totally useless family.
But that has all changed. I now hold confidence in knowing that despite my best efforts to fail at domesticated management, I may actually be able to contribute to this family after all. Let’s just say, I’ve discovered that I am able to multi task some incredible feats of cleaning a mess whilst causing a mess simultaneously, and I now see that when necessary I am capable of a great many things I never believed possible. And by mess I mean puke. And that’s all I’ll say about that.
January 22, 2010
If Chris yells “WE HAVE A PEPPER BAR” (follow that link at your own risk….it has been known to cause epileptic fits) into my belly one more time, I’m not sure I’ll be able to control my reaction. It’s not only jarring to me in my almost constant sleep state, but I’m sure it’s not pleasant for our child and his or her newly developed ears either! I try explaining this to him every time, but he is just dead set on making sure this baby is a huge spaz. I’m terrified it won’t even cry when it comes out, but instead will just SHOUT! Also we don’t even have a pepper bar. And I’m not even confident that Quiznos does either. What if this kid feels cheated?
I’m so screwed and I fear I’m about 6 months away from being completely overpowered by the crazy in my life.
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So….that’s pretty much it so far. We haven’t picked out nursery furniture or created our top ten list of names or even made guesses on gender. We are kind of taking it easy and relishing in our last 6 months together as nearly reasonable people. Realize there is a curve on sanity based on the relativity of hormones and video games.
I think at this point we are unprepared emotionally and ill-equipped financially and we may be brinking on clinically insane….but by God, we are bringing a child into it. Mostly for our own entertainment. And we couldn’t be more excited.
And you, my friend, are up to speed. Ahhhhhthankya.
Chris: What should I do with these wet towels?
Me: Put them in the washer
Chris: But there’s wet clothes in the washer
Me: They can go in the dryer
Chris: (places wet towels in dryer)
Me: Was that on purpose or did you really disconnect what I was trying to say there?
Chris: (stunned)….what?
Me: Wow.
Laziness is my middle name. I bet many of you didn’t know that. I’m sure most of you, especially my immediate family, assumed it was Dawn. Don’t worry. That’s a common misconception as it has been printed on both my birth certificate and drivers license. But I’m certain….it’s laziness. I mean, how else do you explain my complete distain for leaving the couch for any other reason than to rummage for food or urinate?
Hey so in other news….Christmas was awesome 
I literally got everything on my list except for a new bible. I’m taking that as a sign that God wants me to read the one I have before I’m given a new one. Duly noted. I’m so jazzed. I don’t think I’ve had this great of a Christmas since I was a kid…and maybe not even then as I didn’t get any gifts under the tree which ended up being underwear this year, which automatically trumps any other Christmas I ever had before. My plan this summer is to lay outside, read a ton of books and let Chris take pictures of it with my new jazzy camera.
Scott and Amanda stayed with us over the holiday weekend, which was awesome. Then they selfishly left on a Florida vacation and I’ll probably never forgive them for it. We had the pleasure of keeping their puppy Wrigley while they were enjoying the tropical sun which gave us hours of laughter as Syd absolutely loves having a sister in slobber to fight with WITHOUT REST. When they returned from their little trip, we did ask where Wrig had learned her wrestling moves. They seem…..tactical.
(Sorry for being so lazy while you were here Scott and Amanda. It was probably strange seeing me all bundled up on the couch in the same quilt resembling Jabba the Hutt for several days on end. Also I barely offered you one drink, food or turn with the remote. You can nominate me as the worlds worst hostess and I won’t even be hurt.)
As promised, I am continuing to document my journey of changing certain aspects of myself in order to be a more productive, loving, encouraging, time saving, money saving, life changing kind of gal. Late last week I wrote about my endeavors in becoming less negative. So many of you called, commented, and conversated with me concerning your thoughts on my negative diagnosis. I appreciate so much your encouragement. You all give me inspiration to be the kind of encourager I should be. So thanks for that.
This week I’ll touch on the lighter side of my list.
3. Spend less money: I haven’t yet made the official announcement here, knowing that most of my faithful readers are also close friends and family who have most likely already heard directly from the horses mouth….Christopher quit his job. As liberating as it was, it was not done completely in vain. See, he has been blessed with the opportunity to not only return to school in a couple of weeks, but also to work part time for our church Matthias’ Lot as a ministry administrator. Sounds important huh? Well we like to think it is. It was important enough that he immediately quit his longstanding position at New Balance for greener pastures. And greener they are. However, this does mean, as he will be cutting back to part time, our checking account will be losing some serious green. SOOO….this is when we finally start abiding by our budget and paying attention to how many times Little Caesers makes it in to our living room. It’s frightening to think about the ways in which this will affect our spending, but I’ll admit it’s about time. Living so close to a GAP has done our savings no favors. It was only a matter of time before this spending had to be addressed. So, this year will be about staying true to our spending limits. Staying in more, eating out less, buying less….it’s the theme of the coming year(s) as Chris works through his degree. I’m so proud of him. He’s so excited and I’m excited to see what he’s capable of. He never stops surprising me in that department.. And that’s totally worth the sacrifice of those boots I really want.
4. Take more pictures: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people say to me “I wish I could be a fly on your wall”. Chris and I do have some pretty incredible moments that most certainly should be documented. However, I rarely ever think to grab the picture taking apparatus, otherwise known as a camera, when these moments occur. It’s only after the moment has passed that I think to myself, “hoo boy that would have made one great photo”. Talk about regret. How will I explain to our future generations just how awesome we were? Words wouldn’t do it justice. So this year I’ll do my best to be a forward thinking photographer who doesn’t miss the moment, but rather fills hundreds and hundreds of online folders of ridiculous photos of friends, family, dogs and an aloof husband.
(Did you all hear how positive I was through that entire blog post? I found out you can’t just be positive by adding inflection to your voice. You actually have to say good, uplifting, truly positive things. Here goes nuthin.)
Over the course of the next two weeks or so, I will be writing posts focused completely on things I will either be doing more or less in the coming year. For example, I will be eating less junk food. Rollerblading more. Yelling less. Sleeping more. See?
To start us off….the top two ‘more or less’ from my list.
1. Be less negative: As you all know we just returned from an amazing ski trip in Colorado. While on this trip, we shared a house with about 40 of our good friends from church. During the course of this vacation, I somehow initiated a game of “let’s all take turns of giving eachother affirmations”. For my friends and husband I had lovely little things to say like “you have a wonderful sense of humor” or “you look really handsome when you aren’t trying to grow a disgusting beard”. However, when it was my turn, without exaggerating, I’m sad to tell you no one had anything nice to say. At first it was silent. Then one very honest gentleman (not my husband…because he’s smarter than that) chimed in to say “you’re negative” and “you’re really a pessimist” oh and also “you see the glass as half empty”….but I suppose in an effort to make it sound nice he also added “but I think the world may need people like that”. Ouch. Sooo…taking his tidbit of wisdom in stride, I am re-examining the perception others have of me. I will admit that I am a realist. I do not claim to see the world through rose colored glasses. I just had no idea I was seen as such a negative force. When I told my boss about this instance, imagining she would laugh with me and I could put my mind to ease, she simply replied with “you must see that right?”. Ouch again. So here it is. I don’t feel the glass is half empty. But introspection is not exactly the best measure by which to label yourself. I guess I have to go by how others see me live out my life to get a strong view of who I am. Which is apparently very negative. Enough so that it needed to be said multiple times, in different ways, by several people. In an effort to correct that, I will from now on be monitoring how I react and speak to others in a more positive and encouraging way. So shut up about it. I’m better than you.
2. Take more time: I have a pile of books on my nightstand. Most don’t even belong to me. Most have been lent to me by gracious and lovely people who do actually read the books they buy. However, my tendency to take the time to read lately has been almost nil. Beyond simple every day best seller kinds of books, I also have been selfish with my devotion/prayer time. 10 minutes at the end of the day at best. That’s just ridiculous. So, this year will be the year of taking more time. Time for learning and quiet and me and God. This may require me to actually get out of bed when my alarm goes off. Or it may require me to turn off the tv. Or maybe both. Here’s hoping I find the strength.
December 13, 2005: A seemingly innocent evening of two young and lovely individuals baking Christmas cookies. Two individuals who have only known each other for mere weeks, yet have formed what most would consider an obvious bond. During the course of this commonplace cookie making, the male counterpart sneaks away momentarily but returns with what will inevitably change the course of these two young lives forever.
It was a cookie. Sugar to be exact. And on it were the words, written in hurried scribble, “will you be my girlfriend?”.
Emotions were aflutter. In an attempt to seem calm and somewhat collected, the female, without audible reaction, quickly devoured the cookie, leaving behind no shred of evidence that the question, or the cookie, ever existed.
Moments later, with guilt and tension mounting, the female decided the best reactionary method would be to respond via cookie, as the question had been presented. Asking the male to leave the room so that thoughts could be collected and the best method of cookie decoration could be thought through, the female breathed deeply. With the icing tube in hand, and a nervous tummy brewing, she began her work.
The best laid plans of mice and men so often go astray. With great angst and stress, the icing tube was used with such brute force that only one letter was formed before it cobust.
Thus leaving the male to return and find only an answer of “y”. And a female with gooey, deliciously icey hands.
Of course, with some explaining, and the first of many failed attempts of cooking behind them, the happy couple did agree to forever more refer to eachother as betrothed.
Many years later they would revisit that very same kitchen on the very same date, as the male counterpart presented an even more impressively sized cookie with the words “will you marry me?” scribbled hurriedly on it. And just as awkardly, the female counterpart would fumble her way through an affirmative response, therefore beginning a life of love and laughter (and botched baking experiments).
(Given on December 13, 2009….from him to me.
Okay so I didn’t remember our date/engageaversary. But in my defense I was busy with laundry).
I have been silent these past two weeks or so. No particular reason other than every post I start to write sounds something like … hey remember that time I hid all the controllers to Chris’s video games and he gave me a 3o minute lecture in the car about HOW CAN ONE PERSON BE SO CRAZY!!? I just couldn’t seem to find the words to make anything make sense, so I followed I what I honestly believe to be the golden rule….when you have nothing but idiotic things to say….either blog it or say nothing. I went the say nothing route. And I have to say, it’s been real lonely. I think I may stick with the blogging route from this point on.
So here’s a list to add to the idiocracy.
1. I haven’t yet purchased one single Christmas present. I remember the days when I would be done shopping by November and I would buy presents for every living person that bothered to learn my first name. I think those were the same days I worked in retail….I’d take any excuse to buy the pretty things I was surrounded by all day. Now I’m surrounded by Chris and a dog with IBS. First one to comment gets them both in their stocking this year. MERRY HANUKA!
2. My husband just emphatically yelled the words ‘Can I put a digital sight on the laser sword?’. If it weren’t for the video games, I sometimes wonder what his every day vernacular would sound like.
3. Chris finally let me get a Christmas tree! Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition! I can hardly believe it myself. I spent 4 days with my nose stuck in it just soaking up the smell of sap. However, with great conviction he did force me wait over 24 hours to hang a single light or ornament. Which he had NO explanation for other than his crazy and world renowned “we’re doing this thing for no reason other than I feel like it” father did so when he was a kid. I googled, took polls and even asked his family…WHYYYYY cannot I not decorate my tree for 48 hours after I bring it in the house? No one had a clue. Google didn’t have one reason why. Not one. Google has a reason for everything. Google has a reason for why men have nipples and evil exists on this planet. Google is all knowing. And it doesn’t know why I had to wait a full day before decorating my tree. So while he was out with a friend, and without his permission, I did it anyways. Sorry. I’m sure he’ll bring it up in marriage counseling some day as the thing that put us on a path of marital destruction. But Christmas was ready to come and it couldn’t wait for another 24 hours.
4. We are not on a path of marital destruction. Not even close. In fact 3 minutes ago, without warning, he looked at me and said “Have I told you today how awesome you are?”. To which I responded….”Nope, but I thank you kindly and reciprocate the same affection”. We share kinship in our uniqueness.
5. On Saturday, I thought this blog had made it big. I had over 300 hits by lunch time, ON A WEEKEND! I thought someone must have posted me up somewhere real famous. It turns out it was just Chris at work looking for something I had written a long time ago. I’m not sure if he found it. I was in the middle of telling him all about how we were both gonna be able to quit our jobs and live off the royalties of this one silly blurb and we’d finally be able to finally afford cable and real hamburger…..when he broke the news that all those hits were him scouring through past posts. All 300 or so of them.
I almost made him sleep on the couch.
Dream crusher.
This year I am thankful.
For this mustached man. In this cramped van. For loving me and blessing me day after day after day.
For the beauty of this world. It is a gift from God.
It is an expression of the love He used in creating a planet.
A fraction of the amount of love He used in creating me.
Sincere, praying, loving, beautiful women who consistently remind me what it means to have fun.
Mature women who daily teach me what it looks like to be a true wife and mother while still worshiping with a sincere heart.
The knowledge of knowing that I am a chosen child of God. There is nothing on this planet I can do or could have ever done to deserve the blessings I have been given. Those blessings are not even close to being done revealing themselves. I live in peace in knowing Him and His intention for my life.
This year I am thankful for these things and so much more.
My family is amazing, my job is secure, my home is comforting and my church body is challenging.
This world is beautiful in places and devastating in others.
Similarly to my own life experience.
But.
Today and tomorrow I will be blessed.
In the devastation of life, He is still good.
And I am still His.
